Dear Friend,

Something like this was long due. I do not know which country you would be reading this in or where you would be reading this, but I hope you can relate to most of the expressions and situations I express here. Mostly the context will be Indian, because I come from this diverse land which has many sides to it. I have some questions which I answered myself after hours of pondering and then there are situations where I knew I took the right decisions.

As a girl I always felt different in many circumstances because the Indian society and the mentality imposes those restrictions on a girl, may be for safety, may be out love, out of fear of what the people that is our relatives and friends might say and what not. First there was my father who stopped me from coming home late because he feared that I may fall prey to some unforeseen situation, then there was my mother who told me to control my anger, because she feared that my boldness and impulsive nature could trigger the wrong message to men around me, then there was my grandmother who told me to behave properly in front of elders and not express each opinion, then I had an endless list of uncles and aunts who scorned me for speaking upfront. There have been incidences in my family where dowry was given without much ado and even my parents didn’t say a word against it, in spite of being educated, there have been times when the sex of the baby was determined before birth and abortions done because she was a girl, but my parents did keep quiet because it was none of our business to meddle into the affairs of my distant aunt´s family. Money was being spent on marriages as if we owned crores but the other side to it was that even the guy was greedy and didn’t say a word. After all this even when I am about to get married myself there are constant confusions and restrictions. I am restricted from posting weird pictures on Facebook because of what the world might think (I still do not know the definition of weird), I am bad when I call my fiancée to meet me in a faraway land because how can we live with each other when we are not married is the question, I am shameless when I abuse directly because how can she use restricted words like fuck, bastard, etc. etc. I am bad when I speak out, about just liking someone other than my fiancée because if I have a guy I cannot stare or even like someone else. If I roam around with more male friends I am subjected to controversy. If I post pictures of drinking beer or wine I am subjected to being out of control by my relatives. All lifelong I have seen and experienced and taught not to say a word because we were not concerned and it was none of our business. But I chose to spoke, I chose to be bad, I chose to point out the wrong and yes also to point out what I may have not liked. It made me frank, blunt and disliked. It made many relations soar, but the truth is harsh and always will be.

Why is it that if a girl likes more than one guy at the same time is it considered to be wrong? And the vice versa as well, in this situation. Girls please don’t get scared to fall into a relationship and then break up, it is fine, you are taking a step forward in life, you are trying to build a commitment with someone, whenever I spoke of break ups, people looked and frowned at me, how can you date so many guys, yes I can and all girls can, because we too have feelings and the right to decide who is suitable or not, now I switch to something which is applicable for both guys and girls. If I have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, why can´t I look at other girls or boys and feel nice about them. Is there not a difference between having a crush and loving someone? I have got innumerable crushes in my life, on both girls and boys even when I had a boyfriend and even now when I am engaged to someone. Be not scared to express that, you have a feeling, let it come out, young girls and boys have attractions and temptations, if you are misled by that temptation it is absolutely wrong, but expressing those temptations is not at all a sin. Make it a point to speak the truth and upfront, yes it will hurt, someone might even get angry but you are doing a favor by clarifying things. You are keeping communication straight, fret not to come out of your comfort zone. Falling in love is a process it does not happen in one day and it happens truly and naturally only for one person in your entire life. You may get attracted, and tempted or even something more than friend’s zone, but the person who accepts you for who you are, even the devil you are, is only one. Others will play a part in your life and leave, but learn to cherish those memories, as everything happens for a reason. Also don’t be afraid to accept your sexual desires, whether you are a heterosexual, bi – sexual or a homosexual or a part of each, we are humans, each human mind functions differently and has feelings. Live your life because it is yours. Keeping in touch with your exes is a wonderful thing to do and does not make you characterless. Being selfish and at times thinking only about yourself is a sane thing to do because no one will accompany you to the grave and you have to live your life to the fullest. Care about people, respect them, and adore them only when you know they mean a lot. At the age of 23, one thing I have learnt is, only a few people will really care about your life, others are servants of the society and will only show up when you are the talk of the tinsel town.

This is nothing to express hatred for my loved ones who stopped me from doing something, or did not fight against situations when they had to, some have not even stood by me when I needed them the most, but it was a phase, that doesn’t mean that these people do not mean anything to me, but after everything, the harsh truth is, we are scared, of the society and yes of what people might say and therefore to live like we want. I am also the victim of the same, we need to change that, even if it comes at the cost of being bad, at least truth will prevail and emotions will be clear. Otherwise life is going to be complicated forever!

Yours sincerely,

Rucha Sudhir Khot